"Do Unto Others"

Story for All Ages: The Berenstain Bears and the Golden Rule by Stan & Jan Berenstain

Sermon: Do Unto Others

            The Golden Rule is a basic moral teaching that has been around for thousands of years. It is taught in almost every religion and this is often the first moral teaching most parents impart on their children.

            How often at a playground, or in a school do you hear a parent or teacher ask a child who has misbehaved, “Is that how you want other people to treat you?” or “How would you like it if someone made fun of you?” “If you don’t like it, then you shouldn’t do it to someone else.”

            I have seen many Unitarian Universalist sunday school lesson plans based on the Golden Rule. I never questioned why we were teaching it, or what it was teaching our children because it seems like such a straightforward and easy rule to follow. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Meaning, don’t do anything to someone else that you would not want them to do to you.

            But I have come to realize, mostly through the intelligence of children, that the Golden Rule is not so simple.

            I was talking to a friend one day about how hard it is sometimes to help our children be empathetic and compassionate people. My friend told me a story about his son when he was four years old.

            He said one Sunday their family was at a party with a group of kids they did not know very well. These kids were a bit older than his son and they were also a bit more aggressive. They would push people around and make fun of the other children. My friend noticed his own son was pushing other kids and saying mean things. He told his son repeatedly to stop, they do not treat people that way. Finally they left the party and on the car ride home, my friend asked his son “Why were you being mean to those other kids? You know we have told you that we don’t hurt other people.” His son said “Daddy, that’s not true. I can be mean to them.”

            Of course his father was shocked and asked why he could be mean to these other children. His son said he was being mean because the kids were being mean to him. His father said again that you can’t be mean to someone just because they are mean to you. His son argued yes, you can. His dad asked him where he learned such a lesson and he said “at church this morning.” 

            As my friend talked to his son, he discovered that in their Unitarian Universalist church Sunday school that morning, the kids learned about the Golden Rule. They learned you should treat people the way you want to be treated. So, this four year old told his father “If we are supposed to treat people like we want to be treated, and those kids were being mean to me, then that means they want to be treated that way. They want me to be mean back to them.”

            Well, what a strong lesson from a child. He shows us just how complicated the Golden Rule can be when you really think about it.

            This young boys understanding of the Golden Rule was so logical, so accurate, which is appropriate for his age group. Children of that age stick to the rules and interpret them literally. His understanding of the Golden Rule makes absolute sense, but his father had to tell him why his logical interpretation of the rule was actually wrong.      This is one of the reasons why the Golden Rule is not as simple as it first appears to be. The Golden Rule is a personal rule, one we must follow ourselves. We can not expect other people to follow it. We actually have no idea if someone else is following the rule. We must follow it because we know it is the right thing to do.

            So, even if someone is being mean to us, we can not be mean back to them. We still follow the Golden Rule and we treat them as we would want to be treated.

            That is one of the reasons why I like the story that we heard today. Sister Bear has the Golden Rule inside a locket, where only she can see it if she chooses to open the locket. It is a rule that she must always follow in her heart, no matter what anyone else does.

            This makes the Golden Rule much harder to follow. Because in reality, the Golden Rule is not fair. No matter what age we are, we wish that life was fair. We would hope that when someone does something wrong, they are not allowed to do it again. We wish all people were treated with dignity and respect. We seek equality, but the Golden Rule simply asks us to do the right thing at all times. Even if someone has hurt us. It does not ask for retaliation or even justice.

            And that is not an easy thing to do. But even in the times where it is hard to be kind, when it is hard to treat someone as we want to be treated, we can often find the strength to do it anyway because we know it will bring good into the situation.

            If we act with kindness in the midst of adversity, we do two things. First, we lead by example. When we are kind and do not match the mean behavior of the other person, often it can diffuse the situation and shows that even in difficult situations, we can be respectful. There may be a few people, even if it is just every once in a while, who will follow what you have done. Next time instead of being mean, they may treat someone as they would want to be treated.

            Even so, if what we do happens to have no effect on the other person, we should still do what we think is best. The other positive that can come from following the Golden Rule is that we are being true to ourselves.

            When we act in a way that is unkind, we destroy a little bit of ourselves. We never feel good when we have hurt another person, even when that person has hurt us. Revenge is never worth the damage it does to our hearts and souls. Each time we act with kindness, we are strengthening who we are. We are reminding ourselves of our highest values. The more we live out those values, the easier they become to follow. So in some way we can say we follow the Golden Rule for ourselves, because it allows us to live the best life we can. 

            In the midst of these good things the Golden Rule can bring about, there is one more complication to the Golden Rule, which I recently discovered while spending some time doing anti-racism and anti-oppression work.

            In the past I would have said, with confidence, that if we all followed the Golden Rule, we could end oppression in our world. If people could have empathy for one another, they would not feel some people deserve better treatment than others. If everyone treated others as they would like to be treated, no one would think people of a different race, class, or ability are worth less because they would not want to be treated that way themselves.  

             However, in our increasingly multicultural world, and in a faith that has committed to being anti-racist, anti-oppressive and multicultural, the Golden Rule may not always apply. It may not always be kind to assume we know how someone else wants to be treated.

            For instance, what happens when we use the Golden Rule with someone from a different culture? Assuming that other people want to be treated as we want to be treated could lead us to actually being disrespectful of another person’s culture. I recently heard a very simple example of this in the difference between Japanese and American culture.

            In America, as a sign of respect, we usually introduce older people first when we are in a new situation. For example, if a friend comes to my house, I would typically introduce them to my parents first, then my siblings, then my son. However, the rule of introductions is opposite in Japan. Young people have to be introduced first in Japan. When you do not introduce the younger people first, it is considered rude. With the increase in businesses having global cliental, we are now hearing of more stories of people of different cultures being offended because we assume our idea of respect or kindness is always the same as someone else’s.

            I also see people inadvertently offending people with different abilities, or of a different age than themselves. Many of us assume that we should try and help people who have a disability, because we think that is what we would want done for us if we were in their situation. In fact, we often assume someone with a disability can do far less than they are really able to do. It can be offensive to have people helping you, without even asking, when you know it is something you can do on your own. 

            Or another example I see on a weekly basis has to do with how we treat people of different ages. I often hear people yelling when they speak to someone who is older. If you know the person has a hearing problem, then of course speak up, but speaking loudly at someone just because they are older is a huge assumption, and can be offensive.

            I also notice how many people, when speaking to children, speak slower and with more of a baby-talk vocabulary. My son once asked me why someone was talking to him like he was a baby. This person was just trying to be nice and make their conversation accessible to a child because they thought this was the kind thing to do. But they were making an assumption as to how that child would like to be treated and what is accessible to him.

            This added complicated dimension to the Golden Rule does not mean we need to throw the rule out as a moral teaching. Actually, I think understanding that maybe we should not always assume how people want to be treated makes the rule more rich than it was upon first glance.

            One of the good things which can come out of this realization, is that it can increase our relationships with other people, especially people who are different than us. It requires us to actually be in right relationship with other people. As we get to know people better, we are more likely to know how they want to be treated. Using the Golden Rule responsibly means we may need to step back when we enter into another culture, and ask them what is respectful. We can gain knowledge of the beauty and complexities of another culture because we knew to stop and ask what they want and what they need.

            This also gives us an imperative to open communication. Often when someone does something we find offensive, we don’t say anything, and we just stew in our anger. If we respectfully say that we were upset by something someone else did, we may find that they were not intentionally trying to be mean. By communicating more, we often have the opportunity to stop an argument or misunderstanding before it happens. Sometimes in life, we are just trying to do the right thing, not knowing we did it in the wrong way. It is more compassionate for us to tell another person when we feel upset than it is to hide it and let the anger and distance grow. 

            The Golden Rule, so seemingly simple on first glance, has many nuances. But when we intentionally seek to follow this rule, it opens us up to closer relationship with others, it allows our kind spirit to grow, it helps us treat others with respect, and it can help inspire others to be kind as well.

            It is not an easy rule to follow, but it is well worth it. Maybe that is why it is one of the rules that crosses time and differing religions. It is one of the hardest rules to follow but the one that, when we use it well, can create the most healing in the world. For it is in the struggle to act with compassion where we truly grow.

            May we all treat others with dignity and respect, as we would like to be treated, keeping mind the wonderful differences that make each of us unique.